And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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