Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
