I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
