So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
