five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
