I think I won the penis lottery.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
