Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
