Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize