I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
