how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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