You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
