He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
