quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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