So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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