Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
