Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
