I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need a beard to bite.
All I want is dick and wine.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
