He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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