I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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