My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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