well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
