just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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