I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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