Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
