Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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