i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
