My room smells like vodka and shame
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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