i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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