I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
