i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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