now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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