I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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