Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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