Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
