I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
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