dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
