Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
