My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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