Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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