Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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