my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
