gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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