Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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