So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
