shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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