Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize