he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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