my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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