That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
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