I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
