you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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