Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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