Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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