Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
