I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
not ubering you a puppy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize