So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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