i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
