Betty ford says i'm here all night
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
